True Love? Or Not.

Today, your Dame received an offer she very nearly could not refuse.  A gentleman who knows the way to sweeten the pot seems determined to win my heart, or perhaps he’s interested in real estate a bit further to the South:

hey baby,
you sure are a looker. i come to your town 3 or 4 times a year. would you be intersted in being with a mid aged man for a good time. i can pay you for your time. i know how to treat a lady and i promise you would have a good time. we could be discrete and no one else would ever know. if you are intrested i will send a pic of me. hope to hear back from you.
greg

Honestly.  Greg seems to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.  I’m sure that somewhere, there is a Mrs. Greg bemoaning her fate (and hopefully feeding a secret savings account). 

Dear Greg,

Hope really does spring eternal in some quarters, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, yours is not where it ought to exist in any form.  Claiming that you know how to treat a lady may sound good to your ears, but no gentleman would ever make an offer like that to a real lady.  You’ve promised me a good time- do you own your own island?  Do you have a young and lusty pool boy?  I thought not, in which case I am sure to be disappointed.  I do not like being disappointed.  And not to be too forthright with someone I don’t know, but if you have to mention the price, well, you cannot afford Dame.  Next time, try the Yellow Pages.  I’m sure your fingers will walk far more successfully there than on a dating website.

Your somewhat astonished

Dame

Next time, I hope that Greg is more careful about what he wishes for.

Oh my, your Dame has been AWOL for a number of weeks.  I have been leading a hectic life and somehow took a very wrong turn in Chicago. However, I missed all of you.

Recently, Dame received a letter from a gentleman who knows the meaning of the word ‘direct’.  This man is apparently not afraid to go for the gold, as it were:

“Dear Dame,
You have a beautiful smile a beautiful mouth. Your mouth is the one made for making the blow jobs. I wish you make the blow job for me.”

Mmm-hmmm.  Well, if nothing else your Dame loves a challenge . That letter demands an answer as open and direct as the man who sent it.

“Dear Nearly Laid,

Thank you for noticing my mouth.  Yes it really is perfect.  It is most perfect when open and talking.  If you had stood in front of me and asked for a blowjob, my perfect lips would have parted in shock, they would have frowned slightly in consternation and then they would have uttered the words,”Not in this lifetime or the next, thanks for asking.  I hate when little bits of things get stuck between my teeth and clearly you would only annoy me”. 

Now, go carpe your diem someplace else and don’t mess with women you couldn’t handle if you hired both Siegfried and Roy to help you.

Firmly,

Dame”

Sigh.  Another one thrown out of the gene pool by his own hand.

After numerous complaints from friends of the gentleman persuasion, your Dame has graciously acceded to requests for a glimpse into the minds of single women.  Fate and a free dating website came together to produce this rare jewel of a profile:

I spent the afternoon cleaning out the garage, by myself, then tearing up an old lounge chair, so I could put part in the trash and burn the rest. Then racked up leaves in a few of my flower beds and cutting down a small dead tree in the fence row.
It sure would of been nice to have someone to share those precious moments with, (when I finished I made a small fire, apart from the burning chair and roasted 4 marshmellows!)I guess that is why I spend so much time searching the dating sites. So, if you are a guy who enjoys outside yard work, can handle a chainsaw, and a rake, email me, I could share some precious moments with you!!

Dame wishes to point out that she is not a director of low-budget horror movies and therefore does not require the services of a man with a chainsaw.  I’d also like to advise this charming woman that she might at least consider raising her standards just a tiny bit.  Personally, I prefer a man who can build a fire without resorting to damaging furniture and can grill something far more culinarily spectacular than marshmallows. Sadly, I fear most of Dame’s gentlemen friends will remain single even after reading that profile.

Your Dame likes a man who is in touch with himself, a man who knows what he likes.  I’m not sure exactly how many of those there really are, though several seem impressed with their degree of self-awareness.  Today the mailman delivered a communique from a man who describes himself as “a sensualist, someone irriversably drawn to the plesares of the flesh, a carnival man”.  I feel no real need to disagree with his description of self:

Dear Dame,

I am i self sufficient man. Not the Mr. Macho type. I am energetic and full of life and partake on all it has to offer I am a optimist I have a healthy lifestyle. I love to work I am ceo of my own company. I am self motivated and full of life, I live each day as if it was my last.I strive to archive excellence in my shelf.I have a cat that is my fried I love to lay in my hot tub and relax. Friday evening would be a steak on the grill,dip in the tub light some candles cuddle on the sofa and watch some tv. I am a hopeless romantic.  What do you think?

Ted E. Bare

Dame should like to assume that the reference to his sauteed pet was unintentional, as that image seems a bit depressing and not at all in keeping with a more carnival nature.

Dear Theodore,

I am charmed by your reference shelf, I prefer keeping only the finest volumes in my library as well.  However, I don’t feel that I can be the one to solve the problem of your hopelessness at being romantic.  When your idea of a steamy Friday night involves starting out with a nice meal but ends up watching TV, I fear you may have spent too much time alone with your cat, fried or otherwise.  You might instead wish to place the remote on the couch, toss on a nice shirt over that grey undershirt, and find a place where everyone really does know your name. Remember, very few women really get all hot and itchy at the thought of running your dishwasher while you chuckle merrily at whatever Homer is doing this week.

Your unplugged

Dame

Hmmmm,  I hope he changes channels and soon.

Your Dame is always amazed at the number of ways the male of the species have devised to become better acquainted with the fairer sex.  However, some of those ways seem nearly guaranteed to preclude sex of any kind.  Yesterday a kind gentleman came calling, sending this charming letter:

Hello, Beateful Lady,My name is Lucky.

ps Your very pretty for sure 

Oh my!  Dame’s head can be turned by a charming phrase including admiration of her finer points.  Any man noticing a woman’s beauty should be encouraged to comment upon it frequently, even if he can’t express it in correctly written English.  I felt compelled, due to manners and breeding, to reply to this man with exceptional taste in woman:

Dear Lucky,

The sun is out and it’s starting to feel almost like spring- and anything which feels less like winter is a good thing, in my opinion.Your profile says you’re a journalist. Where do you write?  I love to write. I also love books, and I think I own them all. Well, maybe not all, but close. Do you have any favourite books?

Sincerely,

Dame

Now, I did not hold my breath.  After all, a journalist’s life must be quite interesting.  In the event an incident should break out in my own small corner of the world, I should not expect a man of the pen to ignore a beckoning headline in order to conduct affairs of the heart.  However, I hadn’t long to wait before Lucky composed his reply:

Wow!  Dear Karen,

Thanks for ansering my letter to you.  I can tell we have a lot in common.  I’m not much of a reader, but there are more fun things to do except for read!  I am a journalist, I work at the local advertising weekly helping with lay out.

By the way, some things I like to do.  I like to watch football.  I think you do to?  I also like to fuck.  I love to fuck.  Do you love to fuck, too?  By the way, you are even prettier than before!

Lucky

If there is one thing your Dame has  mastered in her few short years upon this earth, it is the perfectly executed Icy Stare.  Sadly, this does not translate well in writing, and therefore a verbal comeback is sometimes necessary. Lucky, who is neither nor will ever be lucky, received a thoughtfully worded reply:

Dear Forgetful One,

There are a number of points well worth discussing in your previous charming message.  However, the first rule of wooing a woman is - never, ever forget her name, and even if you must have your tongue removed, do not call any woman by another woman’s name.  It sours us so- after calling me ‘Karen’, you really ended any chance of being, er, Lucky.

Another point which really must be addressed is the matter of what a clever and original man you are.  Dame loves the offbeat, quirky and interesting.  I absolutely adore finding out something a little different about a paramour.  When a man can say something witty and amusing enough to set him apart from the crowd, Dame’s heart skips a beat.  Clearly, by stating that you enjoy fucking, you have distinguished yourself from almost every other man on the planet.  No other men enjoy doing this, and therefore you are unique in your choice of hobby.  Sadly, because of the overwhelming uniqueness of you, I fear I should have to wait in line, since dozens, even hundreds of other women will of course wish to try out this new and interesting pastime first. Therefore, I shall have to wish you good luck with that.  Perhaps Karen might be more amenable.

Reading a good book,

Dame

Your Dame is starting to suspect that there may be men on the internet who are single because of far more than Fate, or even Destiny.

  The first glance across a crowded room, eyes lingering a moment too long in invitation, that promise of passion and pleasures unspoken- do not happen by chance on the Internet.  Instead it is your job to create a similar circumstance and induce a potential match to do more than give a horrified stare before quickly moving on to the next potential enamorata. The first thing anyone spouse-shopping online will notice is the user name.  Dame has been alternately charmed and appalled and even vaguely disturbed by some of the choices created by those who would be witty.   A few rules need to be mentioned in passing, although your Dame is certain that nearly none of these faux pas are indulged in by you, good readers.

When using an online dating service, it is essential to create a positive first impression.  Your Dame has graciously agreed to offer advice in the finer points of creating an appealing profile page.  On the off chance that you are not a male peacock and therefore might require help in advertising all of your splendour to a potential mate, I feel there are a number of ways to impress a member of the opposite sex. 

1.  Your user name is not to be confused with the main gist of a want ad.  Those whose user name states “I_wanna_get_sum” most likely will not.  Nor will the gentleman whose user name begs “N_E_69_4_me”? In a word, no.  No, there will be none for you, dear sir.  Showing such needy desperation is not in any way attractive except to other 15 year old boys.

2.  Your user name should attract and not repel.  For instance, stating one’s weakest quality may not in fact drive screaming throngs of sex-crazed mates knocking at one’s door.  Examples include : ‘clean_n_nice”.  One would hope.  Or “accountant_4_you”.  Wake me when you’ve finished filing my taxes, and don’t even think about taking any personal exemptions, shall we, hmmm?  Dame’s personal favourite includes some rearrangement of what women want: “Ima_nice_guy” and other variations on the nice guy theme.  Note to nice guys: at least hint that behind that fresh-scrubbed exterior lies the soul of a dark-hearted ravisher.  I do not want to see PJs with feet.

3. Be funny. When creating the ideal user name, keep in mind that a humourous approach goes a long way, as does being willing to tell a little about yourself.  A man whose user name is “diamonds_4_you” will get for more positive attention than “cook_4_me” ever will.  “exmarine” probably has a message box full of delightful offers, while “lawn_guy” may not attract so many, or at least not many of what he may wish for.

 4.  Finally, this is perhaps the most important:  please, be clever.  At least a little clever.  At no time ought a user name to include any variants of the following, especially when written in text-ese:  “69″ “IM4U”, “RU4ME”?, “hot_n_wh0r_nee” and other such amazing bons mots.  Dame has been on the receiving end of numerous messages from men who secretly believe that only they can encode secret naughty thoughts and who will be willing to share the delights of their rather overheated imagination with the woman of his dreams. Funnily enough, many women of your Dame’s acquaintance quite prefer funny to desperate.

Poor choices in user names dismay your Dame nearly to distraction.  Nearly.  Another day, I shall be delighted to share with you a few good tips for shining up one’s image on the profile page itself, but for now, one ought to consider working on causing that one special person’s heart to flutter- in a good way.

One might think that your Dame is holding casting calls in order to commence filming a new Twilight Zone movie.  I believe I’d call it ‘Fear and Loathing On The Romance Trail’.  This morning’s audition, and as usual, all names have been changed to protect the idiots: 

Dear Dame, 

Hi baby, you sound so interesting in your profile when i read through..i will like to know you much better and you can try
to send me a massage to my privates. Email if i match your critarial or you add me to
your buddy at my privates address please… desperate@woohoo.com
Hope to read from you soon.

Oh my.  Dame has never been asked to provide a new beau with a massage to his privates before at least exchanging some pleasantries, enjoying a meal or at least a nice cup of tea.  Still, everyone kind enough to send your Dame a politely worded message deserves to be looked into.  I include mocking at no extra charge for those sending impolite emails:

Dear Future Emigre,

I feel it necessary to question your intentions toward me.  You quite kindly include the information about being a barrister in the United Kingdom, something I admit I find fascinating.  However, upon reading through your own profile, I discovered that in fact you are an architect living in Baltimore MD.  While I hold no particular grudge toward Maryland other than that it sometimes gets in the way of traveling to Virginia, I do admit to being somewhat worried by these discrepancies in your vita.  However, as you state that you are “…a natural English speaker and quite well”, I am sure we can clear this up fairly quickly:  sir, I have no inside track at the INS, nor do I have the sort of high-quality printer in my basement which could be used to print up a fine new green card with your name on it.  Therefore, I must regretfully decline the charming invitation to massage your privates.  However, feel more than free to enjoy them yourself.

Not quite seized with uncontrollable lust,

Dame

I politely didn’t bring up the small matter of his profile pictures.  The ones of a well-dressed gentleman holding a well-cut suit jacket open just enough to see the fine workmanship in the lining, nor the next one of the man holding the same jacket slung over one shoulder while holding the pocket of the trousers at an angle to showcase the skills of the master tailors at J.C. Penneys.  Instead of giving this man a massage, someone really ought to whisper gently to him that many, many people know how to use the internet, and a few of them appear to be even smarter than he.

From the ‘Too Good To Be True’ file, courtesy of yet another of Dame’s would-be admirers:

Dear Dame,

In the Old West, a man defended his lady’s body, soul and honor. Modern-day cowboys want to do the same for a special lady. I believe things that a person believes shapes their personality and their relationships. This is what I believe,that a man should take the greater responsibility in a relationship when he gives a woman his word, it is something that she can TRUST. that his actions are in line with his words. That he seek ways to understand her and meet her needs, whether emotional or physical without his ego being in the way, and seeking a reward for doing so. that in his heart, she is given a position of stature and always made to feel that she is the only one. That she is his top priority. to care for her selflessly with honesty and integrity that he seek not to change her, but, embrace who she is, and love all that she is . Would you like to meet such a man as that?

My, that sounded promising.  What lady of grace and refinement could resist such sentiments? Add in sun-burnt face and windswept hair, a cowboy hat and weathered boots and my knees nearly go weak.  After all, your Dame does deserve her own pedestal.  However, upon further examination, the above gentleman lists his only goal for the dating site as “casual sex partners”.  In other words, what he was really saying was,”I love you already.  Now can we fuck like weasels?”.  Fortunately, your Dame came up with a gracious reply:

Dear Desperately Seeking Someone Else,

As a matter of fact, the above description lists a few character traits which I find to be admirable in a man.  Were such a man to become available I would be delighted to meet him at once.

Unfortunately, your desire to find casual sex partners for a quick bunch of rodeo tricks makes this cowgirl most unlikely to wish to rope you in the near (or distant) future.  Now, move along, little dogie, before I am forced to use my spurs.

Disinterestedly,

Dame

I certainly hope that this cowboy changes his attitude before he is bucked out of the saddle.

Until recently, your Dame was labouring under the assumption that the somewhat suggestive messages which one receives on dating websites receive are generally written by men and received by ladies, many of whom prefer not to discuss any bodily functions with a mystery man.

Recently, Dame was  disabused of that notion, rather firmly as it were.  A gentleman friend of Dame’s passed on this cheery note he received this morning.

i like wot i c, wanna try sum hot granny fanny?
xxxx

Dear oh dear, your Dame felt rather faint after reading that particular bit of correspondence. The complete disregard for grammar and punctuation was nearly overshadowed by a rather forward tone to that letter.  I distinctly remember that my own dear grandma baked cookies and played checkers when I was younger. I cannot picture her sitting at a computer and sighing over younger men.  Or older ones, either.  I feel as though I may have been born in the wrong century- but then, surely so must that lady of the persuasive belle lettre from above. Go granny, go granny, go granny go.  Please.

 Men say the funniest things.  Your Dame thinks that nice Mr. Linkletter completely missed the boat when interviewing children for his show. Some of the things men say are nearly incomprensible to Dame.  Take the example of another fan: 

Dear Dame,

Do you have ink? Where is the most private place you have ink? Would you be willing to show it to me?

I have to assume that this would-be paramour works at Office Depot, but that still strikes me as an odd question.  However, every email deserves a response:

Dear XXXX,

I have ink in the drawer on my printer stand- two spare cartridges of the stuff. However, the most private place I have ink is in my lingerie drawer. That’s where I keep the refill to my Parker pen. Since that’s also where I keep my Winnie The Pooh PJs, I guess I’m not willing to show you my ink.

Sincerely,

 Dame

Personally, I found his request to be a bit unusual.  Maybe he has a fetish for ball points?